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Brandon M. Dennis
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Frosty
Welcome children, it is time for a reading of the Christmas classic; Frosty the Snowman.
Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul, because he ate, jolly happy souls.
You see, for a snowman to remain animated it must replenish its powers with the souls of others, which is why he hangs out with little children.
Being young, energetic and naive, they make the perfect prey.
It was the last day of winter, and Frosty was looking for a meal.
He arrived at a mall filled with teenagers, but there were too many of them.
This wasn't good, he needed a soul separate from others, off on its own, where he could devour it in privacy.
At last he spied a teenager, sitting alone against a brick wall.
It was an emo teen with black hair, wearing clothes bought solely from Hot Topic.
Ahh,' said Frosty to himself, '
Peeerfect'.
He scurried over to the emo teen.
Hi there sonny!' said Frosty. '
Do you want to go play?' The emo teen tilted his head but refused to make eye contact.
Why should I play?' said the emo teen. '
Play is just the foolishness of childhood.
The world is a dead place, filled with suffering.
Leave play to the jocks and cheerleaders.
It's their only joy before their inevitable adult life of mediocrity.'
Oh, but the sun is out and shining!' said Frosty. '
You need to take advantage of it before night!'
The sun is just a lie,' said the emo teen. '
It stands out convincing us that life is warm and happy, but the sun doesn't consider the unhappy life of loners like me.
I was born with an ugly complexion.
My nose bends slightly to the left, and my elbows are covered in thick fur.
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I'll just wear my long sleeve shirts and hide in the darkness where I belong.
The sun brings me no joy.'
But kid, I'm a magical snowman,' said Frosty. '
Things like this don't happen every day!
Come, take a picture with me so you can show it to all your friends!'
Friends?
What are friends?
I have the social skills a a rotting potato.
I've always been an outcast, an exile, a blemish on society.
I sit alone and curse the world, and have no friends because I sit alone and curse the world.
I know that my loneliness is due to my own cowardice and pessimism but I'm too cowardly and pessimistic to do anything about it.
Just leave me alone so I can slice my wrists later.'
Look kid,' said Frosty, '
This is the last day of winter and I'm going to absorb your soul, whether you come with me or not!' And with that, Frosty lunged at the emo kid, and enveloped him with his snowy body.
I feel my soul being dragged away, and my body being dissolved, but I don't care.
I deserve it,' said the emo teen.
At length Frosty re-solidified, and the boy was gone.
Frosty breathed deep, and exhaled loudly.
Ahhh, so satisfying, I… *coughs*… I feel… *cough* oh no… I've poisoned! *cough and die*'
Poisoned by the soul of the emo teen, Frosty dissolved into a pool of stagnant, murky water, and never returned.
The world was saved by one stalwart emo teen, who refused to take pleasure from life in any way — the one positive contribution to the human species by any emo teen in history.
The end.
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