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Mr.B The Gentleman Rhymer
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Oh, Santa!
Here's a festive tale for you all
It was the night before christmas
And all around the house
Were scattered small puddles of famous grouse
An early gift from a maiden arms
I thought I'll drink this rot
(although I shan't)
The plants got a good whiskey watering, though
after my risky sauntering home from the club
beyond a quick pop in to the pub
to extol tales of old
to the proles in their rowdy lug-holes
though they were cold
I know they found my jolly stories rather droll
they went down gladly like a tory troll, at a glory hole
I degress
still, barely made a crease in my Sunday best
when I arrive home in a stupor
'Oh super' I thought
'Father Christmas is a trooper'
I'll leave him some port under the tree as a treat
That'll set him on his way
and a carrot for Rudolph- the helper on his sleigh
I placed the offering beneath the tree
with a note which read:
Santa, thak you yee
do enjoy this small treat that I've given thee,
but when I woke the fat git had taken liberty.
Just one glass of sherry,
I thought that was clear,
and the carrot was food for the reindeer.
Oh Santa,
don't dock at my chimney again.
An empty bottle beneath the tree
and a carrot, besmirched by faecal debris.
Oh Santa,
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don't dock at my chimney again.
I come down on christmas morning to a terrible sight,
I thought at first a burglar had come in the night;
a sherry bottle on the fire
and sherry dripping from the ceiling
and now the christmas dinner seems somewhat unappealing.
Since he did that with a carrot,
my confidence is murky
as to whether he didn't do something rather similar with the turkey.
Next year though, I shall find out the truth;
I shall await the cheeky blighter
with a shotgun on the roof.
If I may be permitted to state a natural fact,
Father Christmas committed an unatural act.
Oh Santa,
don't dock at my chimney again.
He finished my supply of fortified wine
then he popped a carrot where the sun doesn't shine!
Oh Santa,
don't dock at my chimney again.
Oh I wish he hadn't have done that on christmas day
Oh I wish he hadn't have done that on christmas day
Oh I wish he hadn't have done that on christmas day
If I may be permitted to state a natural fact,
Father Christmas committed an unatural act.
Oh Santa,
don't dock at my chimney again.
He finished my supply of fortified wine
then he popped a carrot where the sun doesn't shine.
Oh Santa,
don't dock at my chimney again.
Why would he do
such a thing
at christmas?:'(
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