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Jim Gaffigan
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Bowling
I've had so much fun here I have. I went bowling, I don't mean to brag. Really there are two types of people that go bowling. There are people that really really love bowling, and then there are the people that are like, 'Wouldn't it be hysterical if we went bowling?'. Cause for most of us, bowling is the activity you do after you've done everything else. It's like ( says in funny voice ) 'Well we could go bowling, or we could just hang our selfs'. 'Why don't we go bowling?'. No ones ever jealous when they hear you went bowling. 'Oh you went bowling? Glad I couldn't make it.'. Bowling's great you gotta love a sport you can eat while you play it. Never see that in tennis! 'Hey before you serve just let me dig into these nachos!'. It's a different sport. Theres an ash tray built into the bowling equipment! Poker doesn't even have that! And that hand dryer thing! If you're sweating while your bowling, you're outta shape! If you're outta shape and you're bowling, you're probably a professional bowler! Nothing really healthy about bowling. Must be the germafobe's nightmare! 'Here put on these moist shoes Ten-thousand people have wore. And stick your fingers in these dirty holes! Now you have the flu!'. How dirty are those holes! It's not like those balls wear out! They probably haven't manufactured a bowling ball in a thousand years! Someones out there using Fred Flinstone's right now! ( in funny voice ) 'That is preposterous!' I don't own a bowling ball cause I'm not a WEIRDO. ( in funny voice ) 'Yeah I wanna volunteer to carry round a fifty pound ball! Can you put it in a big ugly purse? That's how I wanna meet the lady's! ( in deep funny voice ) 'Hmm couldn't help but notice you staring at my purse. It's filled with a big blue ball. Mind if I follow you round the parking lot? I'll just be humming. HMM HMM HMM BALL IN DA BAG!'. ( in high funny voice ) 'That's the worst song ever!'. I always have to pick out my bowling ball. I can never find the right one, I'm like 'This one's to heavy! This one's good but its PINK, and my fingers don't fit!'. How do they decide on the finger sizes? Their either for a five year old girl or the incredible hulk! How big are some peoples fingers?!?! Some guy wearing a catchers mitt? ( funny deep voice ) 'Yeah it's good. I can still catch the game don't worry bout it.'. Those bowling shoes, no update there. ( funny voice ) 'You need our special shoes before role our magic ball.'. Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes and no friends. ( high funny voice ) 'Thats mean.'. I can say that cause I like bowling. I watch bowling on TV, cause I... use my time wisely. I saw this college team championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? ( low funny voice ) 'Know what this time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins.'. 'You sure?.'. 'Trust me. JUST DO IT SON!'. ( high funny voice ) 'Thats weird.'. Bowling seems silly but, yeah we all take it very seriously right? Till we get that first gutter ball. We're like, ( funny voice ) 'Lemme show you how it's done, heh heh heh heh! ( draws in breath ) This is a stupid sport.'. -_- Humph. Theres few moments in life as humiliating as that gutter ball. The worst part is then you have to make that turn back to your friends. 'That ball's BROKEN! It's tilted down there!'. Ya never wanna be the worst bowler in the group cause then everybody treats you like ya have cancer. ( high funny voice) 'You can do it! We're praying for you!' The advice starts 'Use a heavier ball, keep your arms straight, you should get a bisect mate!'. If you're really bad like me they'll ask if you want the BUMPERS up. Not like bowling's that complex anyway ( low funny voice ) 'Ya want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins, why don't ya take this coloring book and sit in the corner.'. But I like bowling, it's perfect for the lazy man. No other sport has a machine that roles the ball back to you, AT ARM LEVEL. ( in low funny voice ) 'Alright I'll keep play'in. Is there any way I can do this in a chair or something?'.
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