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Goldie Lookin Chain
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The Andy Townsend Rap
Let me tell you a story and I think you'll agree,
There's this bloke on my TV,
I really, really wanna give him a punch
And it's not Adrian Chiles, from Working Lunch.
Andy Townsend is his name
And every time he's on he ruins every fucking game.
Give him the red card; send him off.
Maybe bring back Robbie Earle or even Frank Day(?).
Call him Andy Townsend, you can see him on the telly
Causing outrage from Land's End and back to Abergele.
Never watch football so I'm not judging this
But apparently his broadcast skills take the piss.
He does the talking usually during the game;
Even my type of talking puts his practice to shame.
It might be crap but I don't follow the trends,
So come into my arms and let me cradle you my friend.
Pass, shoot, it's a goal - Andy Townsend should be on the dole.
Pass, dribble, turn and shoot - When you hear Andy Townsend everybody press mute!
Let me explain the situation; a problem that's affecting the entire nation.
It's not national debt, or nuclear threat,
It's almost as bad and it's getting me upset.
The World Cup only comes round every four years
And one man always leaves me in tears.
His name's Andy Townsend and it's such a shame;
I'm not even sure he's watching the same game.
In and around, and he hit that too well.
What the fuck you talking about, you massive bell?
Some of the shit that you hear him say,
You'd never believe that he used to play (for Ireland).
I'm sure Andy is an alright bloke,
But his commentary style is a fucking joke.
Andy Townsend? Are you offer your rocker?
Even my nan knows more about soccer!
Pass, shoot, it's a goal - Andy Townsend should be on the dole.
Pass, dribble, turn and shoot - When you hear Andy Townsend everybody press mute!
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-Football Commentary-
Watching the game it just kills me, when they're just saying the names like Clive Tyldesley.
Thousands of ex-footballers with nothing to do, and ITV had to go and choose you?
You're talking bollocks mate, and it's showin'.
You nearly made me switch over to Michael Owen.
I can't believe that it's got this way;
I'd even bring back Richard Keys and Andy Gray.
As commentators go he couldn't get much shitter;
Get him off the telly I can't make it any clearer,
Rather listen to my Missus, or Alan Shearer.
Talking for the sake of it, his voice just irritates.
Flashbacks of his highlights at the World Cup in the States.
Like verbal diarrhoea when his mic goes live.
Andy Townsend? Not for me Clive.
Will the real Andy Townsend please shut up, (Shut up)
Please shut up, (Shut up)
Please shut up (I can't take it no more).
Will the real Andy Townsend please shut up, (Oh shut your cake hole)
Thanks for ruining my World Cup.
-Football Commentary-
Pass, shoot, it's a goal - Andy Townsend should be on the dole.
Pass, dribble, turn and shoot - When you hear Andy Townsend everybody press mute!
Foul, red card, penalty kick - Most people think he's a massive dick.
Pass, dribble, turn and shoot - When you hear Andy Townsend everybody press mute!
I'm sure he's a nice bloke, like, ya know, if you met him down the pub, or whatever,
But like, I don't even know if he's watching the same game as me; I think he's watching Eastenders.
He just talks shit all the time - It's doing my nut in.
I can't handle the World Cup, right.
Whole fucking World Cup with him talking shit with Clive Tyldesley;
It's driving me nuts!
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